I’ve just returned from a visit with my native family. They are native as in my first people – the ones who raised me and were raised with me. These are the people with whom I built my deepest fears. Fears like, “What if I am not loved? What if I am not good?” They are also the people who taught be to love and be loved. They are the ones with whom I developed my strongest attachments – some healthy, some not so healthy.
Over the years we have all made many mistakes together, and our patterns of behavior fit together like puzzle pieces. My tendency to swallow my words molded itself perfectly around my brother’s childhood bravado; my desperation to be admired and respected grew right alongside the skeptical looks my little sisters gave me when I tried new things.
Over the years we have all made many mistakes together, and our patterns of behavior fit together like puzzle pieces. My tendency to swallow my words molded itself perfectly around my brother’s childhood bravado; my desperation to be admired and respected grew right alongside the skeptical looks my little sisters gave me when I tried new things.
No matter what kind of family, every single one of us is molded by the shapes our loved ones took as we grew up together.
As we navigate our spiritual paths as adults, it can be tempting to imagine that we can think our way out of those childhood limitations. It can be tempting to expect that we will take our enlightened spirituality into our family visits and somehow make those relationships work perfectly. But those old puzzle pieces still fit together, so that when I visit, I find I am not myself. I say things I would never usually say. I feel things more strongly than I usually feel. And I struggle to keep my center more than in any other situation in my adult life.
I know I’m not the only one who feels this way. We all know that family relationships can be complicated and confusing. Yet these are the people we keep going back to, because amidst all that confusion there is a deep and profound potential for love. After all, if this is the place we learned our greatest fears, just imagine what could happen if we heal our fears in those very relationships where they started?
Luckily, I ended the trip with a clarifying visit to Grand Teton National Park. There are few places that clear my mind and set my senses soaring as much as the high mountains of the Rockies and Great Basin.
Beautiful!
